Our relational expectations are causing problems. Pursuing our demands on the other sex leaves us empty-handed with a need to assign blame. “Women are bitches,” “Men are assholes,” “I’m too good for them.” This fails to create relationship or move us forward. And it’s violent. Objectifying people is dehumanizing – it hurts us, not them. Internet dating feels hard and superficial, but with exposure comes great lessons . You can lay things on the line to get what you want faster than ever before, and you can do it without hurting anyone.
If you think you deserve the world, you’ll accept less to maintain that belief.
Back to our expectations. They hurt traditional people (religious or Disney lovers) more than the rest, but we’re the same – we believe there is a social contract which supports our being a princess or hero, guaranteeing us someone else’s money or a life of victory. I hate to break false promises, but only a select few win, and the days of single income left with the middle class. Absent these entitlements, the need to blame becomes stronger, and we’re back to scapegoating others. That sinkhole of negative collapse or aggression will screw you over; you’ll never find a good relationship this way. Snap out of it.
Women, you are incredible.
You fought for equality and won. In Los Angeles, you outnumber educated men 3 to 1 and as median, earn more. Your pay may not always be equal, but if you view yourself equally, should you expect it to be handed to you? Passive guys make less too. Here’s an inferiority litmus test – you expect a handout on a date. (This ritual started when women weren’t allowed to hold jobs or bank accounts. Do you want to go back?) You have an MBA, so why be surprised when a guy gets physically transactional after you make him shoulder the financial burden? Yes, it’s unscrupulous, but is it really appropriate to expect things for free and then complain about equal pay? You are as equal as you think yourself. When you think the world should be handed to you, you accept less to maintain that belief. Dump your entitled, poverty mindset.
Men, lower your expectations
on women to the ones you place on yourself. Speaking of grace, be kind to yourself like you hope a mate will, or the judgement you do to yourself will echo into your relationship. Do you want a transactional woman? No. Find a friend who cares about you and avoid people who exploit you. If you’re a balanced person, find a balanced person. If you’re an adrenaline junkie, find someone is athletic. If you work a lot, find someone who works a lot, or wants to be a supermom. Don’t ask for an ENTJ executive or CEO who is ISFP submissive with the figure of Barbie and the energy of The Flash. Trophies are hollow plastic, which is great if you’re plastic too, so find someone who’s cut from the same cloth or you’ll despise your choice.
Be kind to yourself, as you hope a mate will.
A judgemental mindset will echo into your relationship.
Even the people I work with in Beverly Hills struggle with this. Know yourself. Change is constant. Employment is unstable, and the robots are coming. We remain alone unless we can get comfortable in our skin and make conscious choices to be a person we respect. You’ll get someone at your same level of health, so get healthy. So don’t judge, exploit, or harm yourself with tropes – learn to take risks for things that interest you, and care about growth over proving something.
You’ll find a good partner
when you’re looking for a companion, a fallible, flesh and blood person that you can look at and say, “That’s a good person I want to keep around.”
That’s your mark.
You can hit it.