Our relational expectations are causing problems. Pursuing our demands on the other sex leaves us empty-handed with a need to assign blame. “Women are bitches,” “Men are assholes,” “I’m too good for them.” This fails to create relationship or move us forward. And it’s violent. Objectifying people is dehumanizing – it hurts us, not them. Internet dating feels hard and superficial, but with exposure comes great lessons . You can lay things on the line to get what you want faster than ever before, and you can do it without hurting anyone.
If you think you deserve the world, you’ll accept less to maintain that belief.
Back to our expectations. They hurt traditional people (religious or Disney lovers) more than the rest, but we’re the same – we believe there is a social contract which supports our being a princess or hero, guaranteeing us someone else’s money or a life of victory. I hate to break false promises, but only a select few win, and the days of single income left with the middle class. Absent these entitlements, the need to blame becomes stronger, and we’re back to scapegoating others. That sinkhole of negative collapse or aggression will screw you over; you’ll never find a good relationship this way. Snap out of it.
Women, you are incredible.
You fought for equality and won. In Los Angeles, you outnumber educated men 3 to 1 and as median, earn more. Your pay may not always be equal, but if you view yourself equally, should you expect it to be handed to you? No. Passive guys make less too, and some women reject beta males precisely because of this. In fact, millennial women wages are surpassing their male counterparts. Here’s an inferiority litmus test – you expect a handout on a date. (This ritual began when women weren’t allowed to hold jobs or bank accounts. Do you want to go back?) You have an MBA and studied marketing, so expect a guy to either get physically transactional after you make him shoulder the financial burden or consider he may feel ripped off and disrespect your character. Yes, it’s unscrupulous, but is it appropriate to expect things for free and then complain about equal pay? (Bumble was founded to bring true equality.) We are as equal as we think ourselves. When we think the world ought to be handed to us, we accept less to maintain that belief. Women, dump your entitled, poverty mindset.
Men, lower your expectations
on women to the ones you place on yourself. Speaking of grace, be kind to yourself like you hope a mate will, or the judgement you do to yourself will echo into your relationship. Do you want a transactional woman? No. We must find friends who cares about us and avoid people who exploit us. If you’re a balanced person, find a balanced person. If you’re an adrenaline junkie, find someone is athletic. If you work a lot, find someone who works a lot, or wants build a household. That’s damn hard work. Don’t ask for an ENTJ executive to act like an ISFP submissive and with the somatic presentation of Barbie with the energy of the Flash. Trophies are hollow plastic, which is great if you’re plastic too, so find someone who’s cut from the same cloth or you’ll despise your choice. Pay attention to her. Be present.
Be kind to yourself, as you hope a mate will.
A judgemental mindset will echo into your relationship.
Everyone low and high, experienced and unexperienced struggle with this. Flow states of unlimited confidence always end. Know yourself. Change is constant. Employment is unstable, and the robots are coming – chaos and stability are inevitable. We remain alone unless we can get comfortable in our skin and make conscious choices to be a person we respect. We get someone at our same level of health, so let’s get healthy. Let’s stop judging, exploiting, or harming ourselves with tropes – let’s learn to take risks for things that interest us, and care about growth over proving something.
You’ll find a good partner
when you’re looking for a companion, a fallible, flesh and blood person that you can look at and say, “That’s a good person I want to keep around.”
That’s your mark.
You can hit it.
~ Dave Wallace, MS Psy